It has been a long haul for me. Probably for many around me. Ultimately i am the only one left to pick up the pieces. Frankly how many can help me to do that? Not that i expect anyone to. Not even him really though he tried what he could. Perhaps i am like nursing a sick puppy in my arms refusing to let the vet take a look at it. Perhaps the hurt is there and will never go away. Question is, what do i want to do about it. There was a time i didn't want to do anything. I did not want to forget. There might be some sadistic pleasure in it, abusing of self, but why lie and say that i can let go when i know that i cannot. Not by a long mile. And most possibly, this is what going to damned the second chance that we are having in this relationship. I refused to accept that it has come to that, our second chance. I still alternate between anger and hurt, to move on and to stay on because i have not rid my system of all the poison fed into it. I have been screwed up badly. Perhaps i should say "had", but some hurt fester. Will this? Everyone must be sick of me twisting and turning around in circles on the same spot. Some sadistic pleasure. To constantly dig up painful memories. Why? Everyone liked to know. I would like to know too.

Actually i do think i am better. These "attacks" come less frenquently. But when it comes, i drove everyone crazy. Everyone? Perhaps just him. Looking at my blog. I have written about nothing else. I madden me. Or is that the other way round? The degree of self involvment is staggering. I am sick of myself now really. Time to pick myself up and be angry somewhere else. Somewhere no one else would see me while living the rest of my life the way i used to. Time to cover up the pain and let them ache out of sight. Its really time isn't it? Things must be getting better. Perhaps i see the exit out of deep forest but refused to move out. I don't know what is waiting for me. But its really time to move out whether i like to or not. More for his sanity since i have lost mine somewhere.

The blog will be a good place to start.
Time to write about other things.